Coming Clean.

Yes, let’s clear the air. I have a confession to make. Brace yourselves people. You all know I love my husband dearly. Well I have to come clean and admit I am also in love with another man. Yes it’s true. As hard as it is to make this admission I must do it. Please know that Alan is aware of this and has agreed that I can officially make this public so we can somehow work through this. The name of the man I am in love with is – Dr. Oetker. Now this name might ring a bell with some of you especially if you have been to a Loblaws or “Metro” (how dumb is the new name for Dominion?) lately. Dr. Oetker is not living anymore but his products live on. It turns out he wasn’t even a real doctor but actually a scientist who came up with some special type of yeast for bread products. Yes I am in love with a dead German man who said he was a doctor but really wasn’t. I also don’t really care that he wasn’t particularly hot either. Well, maybe he was hot in the turn of the century kind of way but it doesn’t really appeal to me. You see my darling Dr. Oetker created these pizzas. I still remember the day. About two Christmases ago I was at a house party and they were passing around snacks and on one tray were these small pizza slices. They were thin crusted with only tomato sauce, cheese and little pesto. It doesn’t sound that great does it? After one bite I was a goner. I immediately ran to the hostess demanding to know where this slice of heaven could be found. Dr. Oetker my angel pizza man made them and from there the romance began. The pizza’s themselves are much smaller that the regular frozen pizza’s like Delissioso so they are really only big enough for one adult or two children. I must always have at least one in our freezer or I become jittery. Alan generally is out two nights a week so those are Mama’s Dr. Oetker nights. (Please don’t call on Tue or Thur btwn 8:30 and 9:00 as I am having my “alone time” with Dr. Oetker). I actually wait until the children are in bed so I may have total peace whilst I am enjoying my secret pleasure. Yes for some women it is chocolate but for me it is Dr. Oetker. Go try them – and then thank me. Thank you Alan for being so understanding.

And now for something more seasonal:

Fourteen Serious Questions Raised By” Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

1.) WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD?

I'm going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he's a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Claus to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh.

2.) WHAT'S UP WITH CLARICE?

A generation of men is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She's a little forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, men should all organize a class action suit to pay for therapy.

3.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES?

Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn't way different than all the others? And what about the tall elf? Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the head elf and the tall elf don't get in any trouble but Hermy does? 4.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER?Okay, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What is it about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean that Rudolph can't 'play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying !

5.) IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE?

My word to God, he gets called both over the course of less than an hour.

6.) WHAT'S THE DEALIO ON THAT TALKING SNOWMAN?

Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his image than you'd think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" or "The Ugly Bug Ball" or his Oscar winning turn as "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don't even know he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives just about as mad as hell.

7.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?

Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone's gone looking for him. We know it's been less than a year because Santa says he can't fly the team without Rudolph's dad, but it sure as hell has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman's cave JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING .....CLARICE! How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It's just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches credulity. I'm forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys there's an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day.

8.) DO CLARICE'S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT?

Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and her parents… don't appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that why she's always on the make, looking for the love she never got?

9.) WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL?

Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He's king of an Island of Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws. Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that's what. But he's still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn't can meet me out back for a serious beating.

10.) IS THE BUMBLE MENTALLY CHALLENGED OR WHAT?

Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, This hulking brute snapped a stalactite off of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph unconscious with it. Now he's harmless because he doesn't have teeth? HELLO! You still have huge friggin' claws! You're still a friggin' GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector paste instead of letting him push you off a cliff!

11.) WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS'?

She looks fine, right? She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that if he ever gets back to the North Pole he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them. Okay, A.) He never made any promise B.) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does. I'll tell you why the doll is a misfit. She's a little liar.

12.) WHY DOESN'T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?

You can do that, you know. Have your name changed. Plus I’m kinda partial to Charlie.

13.) WHY DOESN'T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?

I mean, it's not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems. He's a bastard.

14.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH?

I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the privates. I'm serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive. Nobody likes a skinny Santa.

On that happy note – Have a great day everybody!!