This picture was taken the day before the super bad day. We went to Chudleigh's apple farm and a good time was had by all. They are all squinty because the sun is in their eyes but I'm surprised at how much they actually look alike.
Okay on to the BAD day. Please know that I understand that in reality I live a charmed life of security, a loving marriage, and two great kids. BUT this is my place to let loose so I will do so. Brace yourselves.
So yesterday morning I was behind the eight ball in terms of having lunch made for Charlie etc. It was a super busy morning of getting the three of us fed, dressed, lunch made and everyone out the door with time to meet the bus. Charlie had what I call Monday-morningitis. He hates to leave me after we have spent the weekend together. He was crying as I drove away and that just feels like a knife through the heart. I know that in a minute he would stop but still it makes me feel like the worst Mom ever. I constantly question the whole working Mom thing and stay at home Mom thing and it drives me crazy.
Once I got to work I got in trouble. Now bear with me as this is very rare with "the best boss on the planet" Seriously, I'm lucky to work with this woman who is lovely and bright in every way. I'm not going to go into details but there was a meeting that was missed. We both missed it and it reflected poorly on me. I felt so badly you wouldn't believe it. I don't like messing up because guess what? I'm a people pleaser. Surprise, surprise!! I've worked with this woman for almost ten years now and you could not know how badly I felt with what went down. Also I had to miss a day last week due to a childcare situation that I had no control over whatsoever which also made me feel like crap. I wanted to crawl under a rock.
Normally on the way home from work I would have called Anne or Kimberly or my sister but I lost my cellphone last week so wah wah wah! (As an aside I placed an order for a lovely frosty pink cellphone so all will be good soon!) I picked up the kids and Charlie had a total meltdown as I didn't get the "right" babysitter to sit for less that an HOUR as Alan and I had to go curriculum night at his school. THEN, oh yes right after I gave the kids dinner and Alan got home Sophie had the most spectacular terrible two meltdown of her life. I think she screamed and wailed in my arms for almost fifteen minutes. Poor bunny, must have had a lot of toddler stress to expel. I know this is just a stage but gah it makes one feel horrible.
After all this I had to cancel weekend plans with friends, which I NEVER do in principle. BUT it was a last minute invite to Father Joe's 70th birthday. This man married my parents, baptized me, did my first communion and confirmation, did the funerals of both my parents, married Alan and I, baptized both my children and just recently did the funeral of my Grams. Alan and I have dinner with him often and he is like a second father to me. So the upshot, if you'll excuse swearing whilst I talk about a priest, oh wait, he was made Monsignor about two years ago, is that I felt like a total shit cancelling with an old friend who has become a renewed friend and she and her husband are cops and that is Charlie's dream to hang with cops. Seriously. (Sorry Kathy! You have firearms and that makes me not want to piss you off!)
Soooooooo, off to curriculum night we went to the school which was fine. We sat at little kids desks to listen to the teacher and I swear Alan's knees were up by his ears on these tiny chairs. Charlie had told me he hadn't eaten his mini-babybel at lunch and lo and behold I looked into the desk I was sitting at and there was a tiny babybel. Also in the desk was a bunch of notices to parents that hadn't come home with my sons' name on it. Coincidence? I think not. In some parallel universe my son and I are so connected it's scary.
So on our way home I told Alan that it was my Dad's birthday. I know it's been thirteen years since I lost Dad but for some reason I was feeling the sting yesterday much more that usual. I told Al that after we put the kids to bed I might need a cry. He said, "I don't get it. I don't have to plan to cry or need to that often." So I said, "Well duh, you're a boy. Boys are told not to. Girls are given permission and methinks we are better off because of it."
So after the kids were down I followed Alan around like a puppy asking for fortifying hugs and declarations of love. Poor guy, he probably just wanted to watch the news.
After a pretty good night - I only had to put Sophie down once at 3am or some other ridiculous time, I awoke at 5:45. Unprompted Alan rolled over and put his arm around me for about twenty minutes before we got up. I took a deep breath and thought to myself, "with him I am home. A new day with no mistakes in it to set everything straight."
Here's to new beginnings everyone.
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