My it seems like this here blog has been a wee bit heavy lately but seriously my mundane thoughts aren't very entertaining. Let's take a second and listen to what is going on in my head:
The children's dinner should be ready soon. My daughter is probably writing on the wall. I have to read up for the board meeting on Friday. Friday! Lordy I need hosiery to go with the dressy shoes. That reminds me - I'm seeing Anne for her birthday tomorrow and I need to dress up more than usual when I meet her - what the hell am I going to wear? I can't believe they haven't found that little girl missing in Woodstock - those poor parents. Charlie doesn't have homework - yay. Sophie is definitely doing something suspicious in the kitchen. I need my oil changed in my un-Grand Caravan..
See? Isn't that fun? What a hoot this crazy brain of mine is dealing with daily minutia.
So let's talk about "The Fear". Charlie regularly asks me what I'm afraid of. I know it's a loaded question in that I don't want to spoon feed him brand new fears to grab onto. I usually come up with something like - lions!, tigers!,bears! (oh my). Of course that is not the truth. My greatest fear today would be an illness or accident happening to my husband or children. As a child my greatest fear was losing Mom and Dad. Well dammit that happened and I seemed to find a way to survive. At the time I thought if I can go through this I can go through anything. Then life had a funny way of creating new people to love and worry about. I learned that I can survive whatever emotional stuff can be thrown at me-so far that is.
Here is the deal though. My father told me when I was a kid that the greatest fear a person could have is the fear of success. How ridiculous does that sound? Fear. Of. Success. Seriously it seems ridiculous. Who doesn't want to do well? Who doesn't want to succeed?
The older I get the more I realize this to be the truth. We all know of things we want to do. Things we might be really good at. The thing is the fear of failing or looking bad in front of others stops us from trying. I have always had a secret thought of something that I might be able to do but I don't do because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of ridicule or judgement.
I know that the secret of achievement belongs to those who dare to dream. It belongs to those who dare to stick their necks out. The majority of us are not among them. I'm 40 now - (oh yes and I don't care because frankly I'm a better person at 40 then I was at 20) and my question is this. Do I dare? Do I try? Do I risk failure? I wrestle with this. Due to statistics I will probably fail at what I want to do but does that mean I shouldn't try? I know what my Dad would say. "Better to fail in the attempt than to never try at all". Here is the rub. The Fear. I can just work away at my job and be a good wife and mother and still be proud but yet what about my dream? Should I risk it? The Fear. It's real.
When my Mother was ill she said to me, 'This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got." It gave me pause. I realized that there is no second chance. Maybe it is time to try.
Update: Alan thought this all sounded a little dire. I am not considering giving up my job or running away and becoming a mime. First of all I have the best job on the planet and second of all I hate mimes more than I can say. With their whole "Je suis Malade" air about them and that little tear drawn on their cheek they drive me nuts. Why are they always stuck in boxes! Outlaw the mimes with their silly tight outfits!!!
I'm just thinking about embarking on a new project. Not miming. Is miming a verb?
2 comments:
I agree with your dad...it is better to try and fail than not try at all. I am intriqued about your venture?
I want to write. I want to write something worth reading and yet I am afraid. I have had numerous ideas but I am scared to start. I have had no formal training in writing fiction at all but then again so have a number of other writers. It's the fear that holds me back and yet I have nothing to lose. Pretty sad isn't it?
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