Yes you Liz Shep. We just chatted in the school parking lot and we discovered that your daughter is now enamoured with someone named Michael and my Charlie has been relegated to "just friend status". No problem Charlie - you shall persevere and win her back in the end!
These darn grade one children need to learn that they can have a load of male and female friends and not just one! Oh the fickle hearts of the little people.
But back to you Liz of the lovely blue eyes. You read this silly blog and never, ever, comment. Actually pretty much nobody does. My dream of writing something worth reading is dying a slow death. Actually maybe not slow but fast!
Let me think. I might try to write something worth reading............ but if that is not the case go check out Susan Boyle on Britains' got Talent on you tube. Dreams can come true!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Fear
My it seems like this here blog has been a wee bit heavy lately but seriously my mundane thoughts aren't very entertaining. Let's take a second and listen to what is going on in my head:
The children's dinner should be ready soon. My daughter is probably writing on the wall. I have to read up for the board meeting on Friday. Friday! Lordy I need hosiery to go with the dressy shoes. That reminds me - I'm seeing Anne for her birthday tomorrow and I need to dress up more than usual when I meet her - what the hell am I going to wear? I can't believe they haven't found that little girl missing in Woodstock - those poor parents. Charlie doesn't have homework - yay. Sophie is definitely doing something suspicious in the kitchen. I need my oil changed in my un-Grand Caravan..
See? Isn't that fun? What a hoot this crazy brain of mine is dealing with daily minutia.
So let's talk about "The Fear". Charlie regularly asks me what I'm afraid of. I know it's a loaded question in that I don't want to spoon feed him brand new fears to grab onto. I usually come up with something like - lions!, tigers!,bears! (oh my). Of course that is not the truth. My greatest fear today would be an illness or accident happening to my husband or children. As a child my greatest fear was losing Mom and Dad. Well dammit that happened and I seemed to find a way to survive. At the time I thought if I can go through this I can go through anything. Then life had a funny way of creating new people to love and worry about. I learned that I can survive whatever emotional stuff can be thrown at me-so far that is.
Here is the deal though. My father told me when I was a kid that the greatest fear a person could have is the fear of success. How ridiculous does that sound? Fear. Of. Success. Seriously it seems ridiculous. Who doesn't want to do well? Who doesn't want to succeed?
The older I get the more I realize this to be the truth. We all know of things we want to do. Things we might be really good at. The thing is the fear of failing or looking bad in front of others stops us from trying. I have always had a secret thought of something that I might be able to do but I don't do because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of ridicule or judgement.
I know that the secret of achievement belongs to those who dare to dream. It belongs to those who dare to stick their necks out. The majority of us are not among them. I'm 40 now - (oh yes and I don't care because frankly I'm a better person at 40 then I was at 20) and my question is this. Do I dare? Do I try? Do I risk failure? I wrestle with this. Due to statistics I will probably fail at what I want to do but does that mean I shouldn't try? I know what my Dad would say. "Better to fail in the attempt than to never try at all". Here is the rub. The Fear. I can just work away at my job and be a good wife and mother and still be proud but yet what about my dream? Should I risk it? The Fear. It's real.
When my Mother was ill she said to me, 'This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got." It gave me pause. I realized that there is no second chance. Maybe it is time to try.
Update: Alan thought this all sounded a little dire. I am not considering giving up my job or running away and becoming a mime. First of all I have the best job on the planet and second of all I hate mimes more than I can say. With their whole "Je suis Malade" air about them and that little tear drawn on their cheek they drive me nuts. Why are they always stuck in boxes! Outlaw the mimes with their silly tight outfits!!!
I'm just thinking about embarking on a new project. Not miming. Is miming a verb?
The children's dinner should be ready soon. My daughter is probably writing on the wall. I have to read up for the board meeting on Friday. Friday! Lordy I need hosiery to go with the dressy shoes. That reminds me - I'm seeing Anne for her birthday tomorrow and I need to dress up more than usual when I meet her - what the hell am I going to wear? I can't believe they haven't found that little girl missing in Woodstock - those poor parents. Charlie doesn't have homework - yay. Sophie is definitely doing something suspicious in the kitchen. I need my oil changed in my un-Grand Caravan..
See? Isn't that fun? What a hoot this crazy brain of mine is dealing with daily minutia.
So let's talk about "The Fear". Charlie regularly asks me what I'm afraid of. I know it's a loaded question in that I don't want to spoon feed him brand new fears to grab onto. I usually come up with something like - lions!, tigers!,bears! (oh my). Of course that is not the truth. My greatest fear today would be an illness or accident happening to my husband or children. As a child my greatest fear was losing Mom and Dad. Well dammit that happened and I seemed to find a way to survive. At the time I thought if I can go through this I can go through anything. Then life had a funny way of creating new people to love and worry about. I learned that I can survive whatever emotional stuff can be thrown at me-so far that is.
Here is the deal though. My father told me when I was a kid that the greatest fear a person could have is the fear of success. How ridiculous does that sound? Fear. Of. Success. Seriously it seems ridiculous. Who doesn't want to do well? Who doesn't want to succeed?
The older I get the more I realize this to be the truth. We all know of things we want to do. Things we might be really good at. The thing is the fear of failing or looking bad in front of others stops us from trying. I have always had a secret thought of something that I might be able to do but I don't do because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of ridicule or judgement.
I know that the secret of achievement belongs to those who dare to dream. It belongs to those who dare to stick their necks out. The majority of us are not among them. I'm 40 now - (oh yes and I don't care because frankly I'm a better person at 40 then I was at 20) and my question is this. Do I dare? Do I try? Do I risk failure? I wrestle with this. Due to statistics I will probably fail at what I want to do but does that mean I shouldn't try? I know what my Dad would say. "Better to fail in the attempt than to never try at all". Here is the rub. The Fear. I can just work away at my job and be a good wife and mother and still be proud but yet what about my dream? Should I risk it? The Fear. It's real.
When my Mother was ill she said to me, 'This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got." It gave me pause. I realized that there is no second chance. Maybe it is time to try.
Update: Alan thought this all sounded a little dire. I am not considering giving up my job or running away and becoming a mime. First of all I have the best job on the planet and second of all I hate mimes more than I can say. With their whole "Je suis Malade" air about them and that little tear drawn on their cheek they drive me nuts. Why are they always stuck in boxes! Outlaw the mimes with their silly tight outfits!!!
I'm just thinking about embarking on a new project. Not miming. Is miming a verb?
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Hook
Okay it is seriously a long time since I've updated because I almost forgot how to log into this darn thing!
I hope everyone had a great Easter/Passover/long weekend (does that cover everyone?) because we did even though it included a trip to Reptilia which is darn expensive but we did get our fill of Iguanas, snakes, crocodiles, frogs and every lizard imaginable. We saw a snake bite a rat too. I tell you the good times never end. I even got to pet an Iguana and a Cayman. Woo. Good thing we had hand sanitizer before lunchtime.
Lets talk about the hook. Some of you might not know me that well but the thing is that when I get interested in something I tend to go whole hog. If I like an author I will read everything they have ever written. If I am interested in a period of history I will read everything and see all videos (DVD's lord I'm old) about them. Seriously if you want to discuss WW2 I'm your girl. I even took an in-depth two year course on it in University. Anything you want to know about Watergate? Don't get me started. I was obsessed for about a year. The Holocaust - has been a fascination forever. (Please rush out and read Corrie Ten-Boom if you can). 9-11, The Great Depression, Confederation, Henry VIII, The Inquisition, The Roman Empire, The Ancient Greeks (I did double major in Classics and Philosophy after all). These events had a hook that interested me and made me delve into them. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg that lead me to a realization this morning.
As I was driving to work I was listening to "The Current" on CBC radio. Anna Maria Tremonte was interviewing an ex- Toronto Star journalist who had become obsessed with a story. Apparently early in 1994 a British Journalist videotaped a killing of a Father and young daughter in Rwanda. There were a number of bodies or people dying around them and these two were kneeling with their hands held out in the praying posture. They knew they were next. The tape showed them being bludgeoned to death. Apparently this was shown world wide with little notice. In 2000 The Star reporter went back to this Tutsi town and found the family of the Father and his daughter whom was discovered to be called Justine. He met the mans wife and she requested to see the footage even though she was warned it would be disturbing. After seeing it she showed the reporter pictures of her husband and daughter in good times. The reporter was so touched that he has revisited this family numerous times.
The Rwandan genocide in 1994 saw the Hutu's kill 500,000 people in four months. The total death toll came to between 800,000 and a 1,000,000 which is about 20 percent of the Rwandan population. Apparently this genocide was fueled by propaganda which encouraged the killings and as part of the annihilation utilized sanctioned war rape. Over 500,000 Tutsi women, girls and babies were exposed to unspeakable sexual violence that often lead to death.
I read Romeo Dallaire's, "Shake Hands With The Devil" which outlined his experiences in Rwanda and his eventual post traumatic distress disorder. Here is the thing though. I can't go any further. I can't read or see anymore about this. Once I get "The Hook" I am usually in totally. In this case and with the issues in Sudan I can't go there. I feel like a coward. I don't want to know more. I don't want any more images in my head of the injustice and violence done to these people. It gives me an inkling of why the world has largely ignored the troubles in Africa. The horror that occurs right now as we sip our green tea and check our facebook pages is almost too much to comprehend.
I am at a loss. I remember thinking, "why didn't people stop the holocaust in WW2?" But here it is people. Genocide occurring today and yet I don't want to know more. What kind of person am I that I can't look at it? Why isn't my usual hook hooking me? It's too much. I can't face it and today I feel ashamed.
I hope everyone had a great Easter/Passover/long weekend (does that cover everyone?) because we did even though it included a trip to Reptilia which is darn expensive but we did get our fill of Iguanas, snakes, crocodiles, frogs and every lizard imaginable. We saw a snake bite a rat too. I tell you the good times never end. I even got to pet an Iguana and a Cayman. Woo. Good thing we had hand sanitizer before lunchtime.
Lets talk about the hook. Some of you might not know me that well but the thing is that when I get interested in something I tend to go whole hog. If I like an author I will read everything they have ever written. If I am interested in a period of history I will read everything and see all videos (DVD's lord I'm old) about them. Seriously if you want to discuss WW2 I'm your girl. I even took an in-depth two year course on it in University. Anything you want to know about Watergate? Don't get me started. I was obsessed for about a year. The Holocaust - has been a fascination forever. (Please rush out and read Corrie Ten-Boom if you can). 9-11, The Great Depression, Confederation, Henry VIII, The Inquisition, The Roman Empire, The Ancient Greeks (I did double major in Classics and Philosophy after all). These events had a hook that interested me and made me delve into them. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg that lead me to a realization this morning.
As I was driving to work I was listening to "The Current" on CBC radio. Anna Maria Tremonte was interviewing an ex- Toronto Star journalist who had become obsessed with a story. Apparently early in 1994 a British Journalist videotaped a killing of a Father and young daughter in Rwanda. There were a number of bodies or people dying around them and these two were kneeling with their hands held out in the praying posture. They knew they were next. The tape showed them being bludgeoned to death. Apparently this was shown world wide with little notice. In 2000 The Star reporter went back to this Tutsi town and found the family of the Father and his daughter whom was discovered to be called Justine. He met the mans wife and she requested to see the footage even though she was warned it would be disturbing. After seeing it she showed the reporter pictures of her husband and daughter in good times. The reporter was so touched that he has revisited this family numerous times.
The Rwandan genocide in 1994 saw the Hutu's kill 500,000 people in four months. The total death toll came to between 800,000 and a 1,000,000 which is about 20 percent of the Rwandan population. Apparently this genocide was fueled by propaganda which encouraged the killings and as part of the annihilation utilized sanctioned war rape. Over 500,000 Tutsi women, girls and babies were exposed to unspeakable sexual violence that often lead to death.
I read Romeo Dallaire's, "Shake Hands With The Devil" which outlined his experiences in Rwanda and his eventual post traumatic distress disorder. Here is the thing though. I can't go any further. I can't read or see anymore about this. Once I get "The Hook" I am usually in totally. In this case and with the issues in Sudan I can't go there. I feel like a coward. I don't want to know more. I don't want any more images in my head of the injustice and violence done to these people. It gives me an inkling of why the world has largely ignored the troubles in Africa. The horror that occurs right now as we sip our green tea and check our facebook pages is almost too much to comprehend.
I am at a loss. I remember thinking, "why didn't people stop the holocaust in WW2?" But here it is people. Genocide occurring today and yet I don't want to know more. What kind of person am I that I can't look at it? Why isn't my usual hook hooking me? It's too much. I can't face it and today I feel ashamed.
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