Re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

I'm back!

So here's the scoop. Grams is still in the horrid hospital. I won't name names but the fact is she is in a very sub-par hospital because that was where her ambulance was routed. She is depressed (no kidding) and is not eating or drinking. The Dr. told her that if she doesn't eat she will die. She has told us that she wants to go back to her nursing home - this time in an assisted living floor instead of her independent floor. My sister and I have made all the arrangements for her room to be moved. Tomorrow (Sunday) we are all going to do the move. The hospital won't release her yet because of her condition. The big trouble is that I know she will eat and get up to sit in a chair when she is back in her place with her own stuff and big TV etc. BUT the Dr. won't let her go and the fact is she will get much better care at her retirement place. The hospital told us they can't guarantee that grams will be fed each meal (she is too weak to feed herself) so we have to have a family member there to feed her at each meal. Ummmm oh boy. My mother was my grams only child. My Mom passed away when she was 48. So my sister and I (and my brother but you know boys) are the next of kin. So now I feed grams breakfast ever day and my sister does another meal and we have to hire someone to do the other. It's friggin ridiculous that you can't get the basics on a geriatric floor.

Yesterday morning when I went in my grams tray was on her table pushed against the far wall where she couldn't reach it if she wanted to. So I pulled it up and got Grams in a sitting position and chatted away about mundane things like the kids, and my husband's trip etc. I then told her very clearly that if she didn't eat they would not let her go back home. I buttered a soft warm bun and pulled off a little piece and tried to give it to her. She told me "no, you eat it". I told her that I didn't want to be a toughie but the fact is that she has to eat. I asked her if she wasn't eating because she was uncomfortable (tummy wise) or if she wanted to die. She told me she just was not hungry. I tried to feed her again and she refused. I then asked her again if she wanted to die. She said "YES". I took a deep breath and said, "Grams do you know what you are saying?" and then she answered, "not really."

It was tough. I took a wee time out and went into the bathroom and had a little cry. After many deep breaths I went out and once again told her that the DR. wouldn't let her go home unless she started eating and the decision was up to her. She drank her juice and started to slowly eat the bun. Maybe half.

If Grams wants to die then I support her. BUT the fact is that we have to set a palliative care plan in place. If she has lost the will to live and chooses not to eat we have to make sure it is done in a way that is comfortable for her. (Most likely with Morphine etc). We are really in a twilight zone now of getting better or letting go. I am with her on either decision but want to get a grip of which way we are going.

So as I said earlier, my sister, her husband and my brother and his wife and my husband and I are all set to move her stuff tomorrow. This is plan B. She may never get "home" but we have to be ready.

This is hard. After losing Mom and Dad, my Grandma is the only "adult" in our lives. When she goes the oldest person in our family will be in their early 40's. It makes me feel a little rudderless. Maybe a lot rudderless.